Who Decided They Weren't Ready?

This newsletter is inspired by Empower World's Coaching and Leadership Podcast conversation between Jeanine Bailey and Marie Quigley, Co-founders of Empower World: Episode 265 "Beneath the Stories: When Partners Push Back and Coaches Hold Back"

There's a moment in many coaching conversations that rarely gets talked about. Your coaching partner says something, and you sense there's more beneath it. A pause that lasts a little too long, or a change in their voice or the topic they mention, and then you move on to another question.

You perhaps notice it and feel the pull to explore, but a reason pops up that stops you. It might sound like: 'It would be too presumptuous that something might be need to be explored here.’ Or, 'I don't want to upset them.' And then, almost without realising, you move on.

Sometimes, it isn't the coaching partner who closed the door. It was the coach.

The stories coaches tell themselves

When we at Empower World mentor and supervise coaches, we hear the same reasons again and again. They're not ready to go there. It'll take too much time. It might upset them. What if they cry? What if I can't handle what comes up?

These thoughts usually come from a caring place. We want our reflective partners to feel comfortable and safe. But when we act on these stories without questioning them, something influential happens: we make a decision on their behalf. We assess what they're capable of or not, and potentially impose our own limitations on their growth.

Think of it like an iceberg. What our coaching partner brings in is only the visible tip. Most of what's driving their challenge sits beneath the surface: the beliefs, values, fears and patterns that shape how they think and act. 

If we only ever work with the tip, we may help them solve today's problem, but the same iceberg will still be sitting there next month. And as history has shown, it's usually the part beneath the surface that influences outcomes.

Why this matters for coaching mastery

The ICF Core Competencies ask us to cultivate trust and safety, maintain presence and evoke awareness, which means partnering with our coaching partners to explore beyond the surface, including their thinking, values, emotions and beliefs. 

It also asks us to remember a foundational principle of coaching: the people we partner with are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. When we embody this understanding with our partner, we don’t jump into rescuing them and ‘rob’ them of their opportunity to grow.

When we decide someone isn't ready, we step out of partnership and into the role of expert. And in coaching, the expert in their life is always them.

From comfort to courage

So what's the alternative? It's not about pushing people where they don't want to go. Coaching is never about coercion. It's about creating the conditions where choice is genuinely theirs. Here are three ways to do that.

Contract for discomfort from the start. 

In your early agreements, talk openly about how much challenge and support your coaching partner would like, and acknowledge that meaningful growth can feel uncomfortable. Agree that if they push back, you might gently check whether that's truly what they want, or whether it's a protective response to something unfamiliar.

Treat pushback as valuable information. 

When your coaching partner says "I don't want to go there", it isn't a dead end. It can be a pivotal moment in the session. Rather than exploring the topic itself, you might get curious about the part of them that has stepped in to protect them. What is it protecting them from? What does it need? What would make it feel safe enough to give permission? Sometimes simply noticing the hesitation creates a new insight, even if they choose not to go further today.

Notice your own protective parts too. 

When you feel the urge to move on, pause and ask yourself whose discomfort you're managing. Is it theirs, or yours? Perhaps a part of you doubts whether you're skilled enough, or fears getting it wrong. Acknowledge it with compassion, then invite it to step aside for a moment, so your coaching partner can decide where they want to go.

Slow down to go further

There's a principle we often share in our training rooms: to go faster, deeper - we need to slow down. When we take the time to work with what's beneath the surface, our coaching partners gain deeper awareness, and that awareness creates new ways of being and doing that are sustainable and transformational, versus a quick fix - which the coaching partner may know - be aware of - but not actually put into practice.

Safe spaces are important, but growth often happens in brave spaces. These spaces are built on trust, connection and the belief that the person in front of us is capable of more than either of us might have imagined.

A moment to reflect

As a coach, you might listen to one of your recent coaching recordings with fresh ears. Where did you move on when there might have been more to explore? What story were you telling yourself in that moment? And what might have become possible if you had simply acknowledged your partner's work and asked permission to explore further? Or perhaps asked what would be most important to explore now, based on this greater awareness you are creating for yourself?

Reflective practice, mentoring and supervision are wonderful places to explore these moments, because the work always begins with us. We encourage you to embrace the reflective practice and coaching work for yourself, based on the experiences you notice as a coach and a human being in service of supporting your partners to be and do what they desire in service of a better world.

When did a moment of discomfort lead to a breakthrough in your coaching? We'd love to hear your experiences in the comments.

Be Empowered

www.empower-world.com

If this reflection resonates with you, you may enjoy listening to the full conversation on the Empower World Coaching and Leadership Podcast with Jeanine Bailey and Marie Quigley, Co-Founders of Empower World. You can listen to the full episode here:

YouTube: https://go.empower-world.com/YT-Podcast-EP-265

Direct Link: https://go.empower-world.com/Podcast-EP-265

Spotify: https://go.empower-world.com/SP-Podcast-EP-265

iTunes: https://go.empower-world.com/IT-Podcast-EP-265

As always, we would love to hear what resonates most with you. What helps you move from sharing knowledge to inviting meaningful transformation?

Upcoming Empower World Events and Programmes

Coaching Skills Mentoring Programme with an MCC mentor for ICF credentialing purposes, starting 5 December 2026. Find out more about how you can step into masterful coaching here.

The Reignite Coaching Community supports coaches to rebuild confidence, reconnect with their purpose, and return to coaching with clarity and momentum. Through practical resources, peer coaching, expert-led sessions, and a vibrant community, you gain experience and growth, together with encouragement and feedback to enhance your skills, pursue credentials, and create a thriving, sustainable practice - no matter where you are on your coaching journey, from beginner to highly experienced. Find out more here.

You can also follow us on:

Website: https://www.empower-world.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/empowerpeopletraining

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/empower_world/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@empower-world1695