The Most Important Coaching Work Happens Before the Session Starts

This newsletter is inspired by Empower World's Coaching and Leadership Podcast conversation between Jeanine Bailey and Marie Quigley, Co-founders of Empower World: Episode 264 - "Fierce Love: How Coaches Can Hold Compassion and Challenge Simultaneously", based on the launch of Marie Quigley's book 'Fierce Love'.

There is a moment every coach knows. A client pauses, then says something honest that took real courage to say out loud. And in that moment we have a choice to move on to the next question or stay: hold the space, acknowledge what has just emerged, how our partner is showing up, and gently invite them to discover even deeper awareness.

When we train and mentor new coaches, we often hear the coaching partner sharing something vulnerable and the coach moves smoothly on, and the moment to explore more deeply passes.

This rarely comes from a lack of care. More often, something inside the coach, a flicker of discomfort or a worry about getting it wrong or upsetting their partner, pulls them back to the safety of the surface. This is why we keep returning to a simple truth: the work begins with us. 

What we bring into the room

Every coach and every leader walks into a conversation carrying more than their training. We all bring the beliefs we hold about ourselves, the stories we picked up as children, and the patterns we've never quite examined into our conversations. Some of those we've learned to let go of. and others we still carry, often without even realising it.

These things show up in the room. They shape the energy we bring, the signals we send, and whether the person in front of us feels it's safe to lean into vulnerability and find their own truth.

Imagine a coach working with an exceptionally bright coaching partner and quietly believing they aren't clever enough to keep up. That belief doesn't announce itself, but it holds them back. They soften their questions, avoid the challenging reflection, and stay in comfortable territory. The partner never gets to have the brave conversation they needed, and the coach can't quite work out why the sessions feel perhaps flat.

The shift doesn't come from a new model or a better question. It comes from the coach turning back towards themselves, recognising the belief, meeting it with compassion, and then choosing to set it aside so they can be fully present. That's when the real work begins.

Taking off the armour

It's easy to put on armour in this work. The polished professional who always looks the part. The leader who must always have the answer. The coach who follows the structure perfectly but never quite shows up as a human being.

Models and frameworks can provide the foundation for coaching conversations, but sometimes coaches and leaders can forget how much of the impact comes from genuine connection between two people, creating a space of trust and safety. The more human we allow ourselves to be, the deeper that connection becomes. And when we're brave enough to explore our own inner landscape - our light and our shadows - we make it safer for others to explore theirs.

Courage and compassion coming together

So much of great coaching and leadership lives in the balance between compassion and challenge. On its own, compassion can tip into rescuing. We become too caring, we avoid saying the thing that might upset someone, and we quietly decide they can't handle it. And challenge on its own can become all drive and direction, pushing towards results while leaving connection behind, and it can feel unfulfilling for the coach too.

Held together, they create something powerful: a space where people feel truly supported and truly stretched. That balance communicates something important to the people we work with, that we believe they are naturally creative, resourceful and whole, and entirely capable of meeting a courageous question.

Where we sit on that spectrum often has less to do with technique and more to do with what's happening inside us. Our fears push us towards over-caring or over-driving. Our self-awareness brings us back to the centre.

Not perfection, but practice

Something we come back to again and again is that the pursuit of mastery never ends. There is no finish line where we've "got it". Even the most experienced coaches keep meeting the same lessons in new forms, discovering something fresh each time.

That's not a failure. It's the nature of the work. The sessions that don't go to plan are often our greatest teachers, if we're willing to look at them honestly and ask what they're here to show us. Newer coaches in particular benefit from knowing this, because perfection was never the goal. Self-awareness is.

An invitation to reflect

Take some time this week to look back through old photos, memories or journals. Find the moments that mattered to you and ask what you learned there. How might those lessons deepen the way you coach or lead today?

You might also sit with a few questions. Who are you in the work you do? Where are old patterns showing up that no longer serve you? Where might a belief about yourself be stopping you from being brave?

These aren't questions to answer once and file away. They're questions to keep returning to, because that is where our growth as coaches and leaders lives.

What's one belief about yourself you've had to set aside to do your best work?

Be Empowered

www.empower-world.com

Want to explore Marie’s book further? Find out more and purchase your copy here.

If this reflection resonates with you, you may enjoy listening to the full conversation on the Empower World Coaching and Leadership Podcast with Jeanine Bailey and Marie Quigley, Co-Founders of Empower World. You can listen to the full episode here:

YouTube: https://go.empower-world.com/YT-Podcast-EP-264

Direct Link: https://go.empower-world.com/Podcast-EP-264

Spotify: https://go.empower-world.com/SP-Podcast-EP-264

iTunes: https://go.empower-world.com/IT-Podcast-EP-264

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