Turning Unseen Rules and Polarities into Informed Choices

Have you ever heard a client say, “If I’m structured, I can’t be creative,” or “If I’m kind, I won’t be respected”? These ‘if–then’ rules can narrow our client’s options and slow down momentum in the coaching process. As coaches, listening deeply to our clients’ verbal and non-verbal communication, we listen out for these rules or polarities to support their meaning-making.

In our work, we assist clients or team members to bring their rules out into the ‘light’ (which are perhaps unconscious) to examine them - to identify how they might support or hinder. By partnering and getting curious about our clients’ beliefs, they can identify whether those rules or polarities are working for them and what is true or not true. What to hold and what, if anything, needs to be let go or adjusted.

This is based on the understanding that there are two sides to everything we experience in the world, which at times, is not always easy to accept. For example, polarities such as tension and possibility, protection and growth, comfort and stretch. As coaches, when we partner with our clients, we invite inquiry to get curious about their beliefs. As Rumi quoted: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” 

Curiosity begins by inviting the potential rule or polarity to become conscious by reflecting back what we are hearing – the specific or general rules we might notice that our client shares. For example, it might sound something like: ”If I don’t deal with this issue, I won’t have peace”. And follow that up with a question that assists the client to recognise the rule may or may not be true, such as: "Is that rule true for you?" Or "What assumptions might be made here?" Or “What if both these rules or beliefs could coexist – what might that mean for you?"

The exploration of these rules and polarities often reveals that the belief may have once protected the client and delivered results they were seeking at the time the belief was made. The continued curiosity about the beliefs can also reveal parts of the rules that are perhaps still true for the client and what also might need adjustment.

And by exploring if both sides could be true by facilitating the discovery of what could be possible and what can be integrated in a powerful way, can open up even wider opportunities, possibilities and choices for the client. A simple reframe – in a small way or larger way – can allow both sides of the polarities to exist or the rules to be empowering versus restrictive.

As Jayshree Kirtane, an engineer turned intuitive and creative Master Certified Coach with the ICF says, “It is possible for both to coexist—and the coexistence itself makes the world whole.” She also goes on to say “I don’t think these are two things (polarities and potential rules) that cannot coexist together… whatever your logic dictates, kindness would - any which way - be interwoven into that.”

A few illustrations of what clients have brought into coaching in relation to their rules and opposing thoughts and found a powerful to explore and reframe them include some of the following findings:

• “If I’m candid, I’ll hurt people.”

The client reframe: They can be both candid and compassionate. That truth can be heard when there is care and compassion. 

• “If I delegate, quality will drop.”

The client reframe: By delegating with clear outcomes, expectations and checkpoints, quality will be protected, and the team will feel more responsible, energised and motivated.

• “If I slow down, we’ll lose momentum.”

Client reframe: A brief pause for clarity accelerates execution because the mind gets to rest, recover, regenerate, and reinvigorate. If I don’t slow down, we will lose momentum

• “If I set boundaries, I’m not supportive.”

Client reframe: Boundaries and support protect trust and delivery. They ensure I protect my own energy and I also allow others the opportunity to grow, take on responsibility and become independent.

• “If I prioritise community or planet, profit will suffer.”

Client reframe: People, planet and profit can reinforce each other. Sustainable choices can reduce waste and energy spend, attract value-aligned customers and talent, and spark innovation, opening up motivation, resilience and long-term value.

• “If I show emotion, I’ll lose credibility.”

Client reframe: Naming emotion calmly increases credibility and alignment. It lets people know that I am human - we are all human. It allows us to be open, transparent, and have brave conversations if people are willing.

Jayshree says it’s not so much about finding a balance between these potential polarities and rules, but rather an integration. She explains, “When we are trying to integrate the two poles of a dichotomy, they never… weigh equally. In some situations, one is required more, and in some other situations, the other is required more. So I would, therefore, like to use the word integration rather than balance.”

We can support our clients to identify the resourcefulness and the drawbacks of each side of their rules and beliefs, as well as reframe their rules to allow them to integrate the polarities in their lives in a very powerful way. We can do this by asking:

• “What if you could integrate both ‘X and Y’ beliefs into your life, what would that sound like in your words?”
• Where have these beliefs served you, and where is it limiting you now?"
• “What are the consequences of believing these rules?”
• “What might not be true?”
• “What perspectives about these polarities haven’t you noticed yet that could be powerfully reframed?”

This line of questioning keeps ownership with the client, honours why the original rule existed, and creates a practical path to an empowering belief. This means we don’t lead the client down a path we believe they should explore, trusting the client has shared their rule in service of their goal and themselves.

When we notice our client's rules; we assist them to identify their meaning making so they open up their options and ask questions that allow the client to always be at choice to choose what serves them best.

That is often where clarity, respect, and momentum meet. 

Be Empowered

www.empower-world.com

To listen to the Podcast Episode 240, Orange Flames & Purple Flowers: Coaching and Polarities, with Jeanine Bailey and Podcast guest Jayshree Kirtane, click here.

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