The Conversation Before the Conversation

An Empower World reflection inspired by Empower World's Coaching and Leadership Podcast conversation between Jeanine Bailey and Marie Quigley, "The First Session Mistake Most Coaches Make."

There is a moment at the beginning of many coaching and leadership conversations where something extremely important can be missed without anyone realising it. Something that can set up an effective, powerful and transformative conversation.

Often the coaching conversation starts, questions are asked, goals are explored, and everything seems to be moving forward. And yet, sometimes later in the process, something doesn't go as hoped, and the conversations don’t quite go as deep as expected, and progress can feel slower than it should.

When this happens, the issue is often not the coaching itself. In supervision and mentoring conversations, this comes up more often than many expect. There can be a strong pull to get straight into the work, before setting up the coaching sessions, especially when we want to be helpful, make a difference in someone's lives, and be respectful of the other person’s time.

Some coaches might think:

• I don’t want to waste this session.
• They’re expecting results.
• I need to show that I can assist.
• Let’s make an impact as soon as possible.

So the conversation moves forward, but the foundation may not yet be there.

Taking time at the start to build the partnership can feel unnecessary or even uncomfortable for many. It may feel as if we are talking about the work rather than doing the work.

Yet very often, the quality of that early conversation shapes everything that follows.

When there is space to explore why the person has come to coaching, what they truly want from the work, and how the partnership will function, something begins to settle. The conversation becomes more grounded. Expectations, ways of working, and possible boundaries become clearer and shared agreements can be made.

From this part of the conversation, trust starts to grow. Without that deeper trust, it is still possible to coach well, but it can be harder to reach the depth that all parties may be hoping for. Or alternatively, the people who are being coached may be confused, perplexed and misunderstand what the coaching process is about - which might lead to them not returning to the coaching process.

Another interesting aspect of this early stage is that it requires a slightly different energy. At the beginning of a coaching relationship, there is also an opportunity to explain the process, set expectations about what the coaching will be like (for example, challenging at times when asked to think beyond where they have thought before), as well as set boundaries, clarify roles, and introduce ways of working that may be unfamiliar or not fully understood by the reflective partner and coach.

For those who prefer a non-directive style, this can feel unusual. There can be a concern about taking too much or leading or influencing the conversation. Yet without some structure at the start, people may not feel safe enough to be fully open later.

In leadership conversations, the same pattern often appears. Teams want to move quickly to solutions, feedback, or decisions, but without first creating shared understanding about purpose, expectations, and how people will work together: the discussion can stay at the surface.

Slowing down at the beginning can feel counter-intuitive, especially in busy environments. And yet, it is often what allows the work to go deeper.

Many experienced coaches notice that as their practice develops they spend more time speaking at the start of a coaching relationship, not less. They ask broader questions. They listen for what sits underneath the initial goal and they make the agreement about how they will work together more explicitly.

This is not because they are being cautious, but because they have learned that strong foundations create more freedom later.

When the partnership is clear, the conversations can be braver. When expectations are understood, feedback becomes easier. When there is trust, silence is less uncomfortable ore even expected and welcomed. And when both people know why they are there, the work tends to matter more.

It can be helpful to reflect on our own conversations, whether as coaches, leaders, or reflective partners. Below are questions to consider for yourself as a coach and leader:

• How quickly do I move into doing, rather than understanding?
• What happens in me when there is a pause at the beginning of a conversation?
• Where might taking a little more time at the start to explain what coaching is like with me and agreeing on ways of working to create better more empowering outcomes later?

Sometimes the most powerful part of the coaching process is not the questions we ask in the middle. It is the conversation we have before the coaching even begins.

Be Empowered

www.empower-world.com

You can hear the full conversation between Jeanine Bailey and Marie Quigly, Co-founders of Empower World, in the Empower World Coaching and Leadership Podcast Episode 249 - via the podcast links below:

YouTube: ------ https://bit.ly/YT-Podcast-EP-249

Direct Link: ---- https://bit.ly/Podcast-EP-249

Spotify: ------- https://bit.ly/SP-Podcast-EP-249

iTunes: -------- https://bit.ly/IT-Podcast-EP-249

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